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Below are the most recent 25 friends' journal entries.
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| Tuesday, January 5th, 2010 |
kyburg
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10:05a |
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| Monday, January 4th, 2010 |
kyburg
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2:47p |
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kyburg
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11:19a |
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barefootcellist
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12:20p |
musing and amusings of and for the new year
No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, yes I still read you. All of you. I've had many thoughts this fall some even, that I've wanted to share here, but the time has never felt right or the timing or I've just been lazy. I guess those thoughts have needed to stay inside of me or have been shared with L or my therapist. One year (+) of therapy and I'm more whole and less broken and have undone so many knots inside of me. Fewer panic attacks, more concentration, more excitement, no more depression. I kind of psyched myself out when it started getting dark here, with the just above freezing temperature and no sunlight and just rain and rain and rain, because last year and the year before I couldn't get any studies done. I'd sit there in the seminars but not understand anything I'd tried to read or anything of what the conversations were about. I probably could have graduated by now, had I finished those courses. But it just struck me a few days ago while walking outside in the near -20c sunny and snowy city, that the worst is behind me. I didn't fail. I finished my courses, and I didn't fall down and I'm still here and alive. Happy. My grandmother passed away just over a week before christmas, on my mother's birthday, the 15th of December. Instead of pain there's relief that when she went it was peaceful and she wasn't alone or in pain. And she was nearly 91 with a fabulous life behind her. Perhaps her death will bring together the torn up family in love and remembrance. The funeral is on friday. I'm playing a few selections from J.S Bach's solo cello suite V. Beautiful, fragile yet strong c minor. With the open c resonating in the chapel. My last words to her. And soon, any day now, we will have to say goodbye to our small whiskered friend Pippuri who has been diagnosed with FIP (feline infectious peritonitis) which is incurable and fatal. She's nearly always been sick, with the first symptoms appearing almost two years ago. How is it possible that she has lived to be 3 years old, with a chronic intenstinal infection, with just cortisone treatment? Usually FIP kills within a few months, a half year at most. And here she is, fighting. But now she's with us only by a thread and moving is obviously causing her pain. However, when there's shrimp or salmon involved, she'll run (or scurry) to the kitchen with such velocity...and she'll purr and meow and push her head against my legs to get some food. But eating hasn't made her any stronger. Instead, just like AIDS, her body is slowly eating away at itself and she's shrunk to a shadow of a cat with a paper-thin frame. Will it be today or tomorrow that she won't eat? Or will she slip away quietly in a nap? Or will we carry her together to the vet for the injection of eternal sleep today or tomorrow or the next day? And despite the horrible sadness and guilt almost, we have a new kitten that is ready to move in with us whenever we are ready. If it were just L and I it would be too soon, but Timi, our other cat needs a buddy. And this kitten sounds to be just as funny and active and curious and lively as our cat. We can't deny Timi cat companionship, a playmate, someone with fur and claws to wrestle with. She's annoyed as it is that Pippuri is sick and won't play with her. Although, since Pippuri's rapidly declining health Timi has largely left her alone, pausing only to sniff her or to wash her or take a nap next to her on our bed. And it seems that whenever sitting down or lying down in this house one acquires a heavy 5kg cat on top onesself. But, despite these news, I'm looking forward to finishing my thesis this spring and graduating. And shh! We have made advancements in our wedding plans, but don't tell anyone :D Wishing everyone a new year filled with strength and self-love. |
| Saturday, January 2nd, 2010 |
kyburg
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10:57a |
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kyburg
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9:22a |
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knight3d
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2:00a |
What do you call drunk texting, but sober? I definitely just avoided that. But for (almost) every way she needs to avoid contact with me, I need. My stomach is churning because I _didn't_ give her a hug tonight. Yet I know she'd be worse off if we _did_. I don't get that. I thrive off physical comfort with my friends. So having there be one person I'm not allowed to even touch definitely makes things awkward for me. When did i come an Emo McEmopants? oh right, about 3 months ago. Current Music: always reminds me of verses from The Bright River |
| Friday, January 1st, 2010 |
kyburg
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9:29p |
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prosewitch
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7:30p |
Happy 2010!
Okay, so, "twenty-ten" or "two-k-x"? I think the latter just sounds hokey. I had a delightful New Year's Eve thanks to a wonderful combination of people, plus a totally relaxed and awesome environment (thanks ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lifeofreilly for being an amazing host!). I brought chocolate mousse and people loved it, which made me really happy that I could contribute to people's experiences/enjoyment of the night. Still recovering from the evening, which turned into morning, which... yeah... like good parties will do. I think one of my favorite parts was being told by an adoring fellow, "Grad students are... just... so hot!" Definitely made me giggle. The ephemeral sense of wonder, of joy, of happiness that seemed to fill people at the party... I would like to bring more of that into my life, and the lives of those around me, and the world. I know it can't be all-party all-the-time... but maybe this is part of that "living in the moment" thing I've been beating my head against for a while. Just appreciating the beauty of each moment, whether you're immersed in work or play, exercise or relaxing, in solitude or with company. I think if I focus more on that, until it becomes to reflexive that it needn't be a focused-upon thing, that would enhance my life and those around me. (hopefully bringing such bonuses as me being less stressed, better able to sleep, less prone to bouts of escapism/alcoholism when I feel too much pressure, better able to balance work and relaxation, and more able to connect/communicate meaningfully with people around me) So yes, happy 2010--so far, so good! |
contamity
|
5:17p |
A new year.
"Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting." ~Dr. Seuss |
kyburg
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6:47a |
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| Thursday, December 31st, 2009 |
prosewitch
|
9:20p |
necrosexuality and epistophilia
So I'm reading a queer essay on necrophilia (great way to ring in the New Year, I know... actually I'm just trying to squeeze in some research before dinner with my parents and then I'm off to celebrate with friends). The author is describing how deriving pleasure from dissecting a corpse could mark someone who is clinically insane, classified as a necrophiliac... or a forensic pathologist, noting: "The relationship is contingent with the use-function of the corpse in relation to 'pleasure'. The sexual psychopath 'uses' the corpse differently to the scientist. The former is a necrophiliac, the latter perhaps an epistophiliac" (Patricia MacCormack in Queering the Non/Human, 343). I find the notion of epistophilia to be very alluring. Episto = knowledge/knowing, philia = love. To be in love with learning to know, finding out how to know... what an amazing idea! We academics should consider ourselves epistophiliacs, but really, shouldn't every citizen of the world? Albeit with differences in how we prioritize and pursue knowing/knowledge? |
prosewitch
|
3:39p |
some 2009/2010 thoughts
Just some scattered thoughts... In 2009 I: -ran a marathon -was in a relationship that was mostly good but turned out to not be right for me, so I ended it -struggled with being in the dissertation stage -made academic progress in other areas (presenting papers, teaching, moving towards publications) -got hardcore about rock climbing (which spanned 2 excellent climbing partners) -starting learning African dance -evolved as a belly dancer -said goodbye to some dear friends as they moved on to other things/places -connected with close friends here and elsewhere -made some wonderful new friends -went to Greece -visited L.A., Boise, Orlando, New Orleans -cooked and baked a lot; ate more locally and seasonally -cut off 12+ inches of hair -sang karaoke for the first time (a big deal since the thought terrified me and I don't like singing) -played with various creative outlets: costuming, knitting, jewelry-making, hairpiece-making, modeling I know 2009 was rough for a lot of people; parts of it were rough for me too. I struggled with self-doubt, and I felt worthless at many times because I wasn't managing to work on my diss while juggling anywhere from 3-5 jobs at once. I recognize now that a lot of my problems were systemic--I'm not the only one having trouble at this stage of grad school, and I need to be more proactive about fixing this stuff. I think in 2009 I had to learn a lot of lessons about becoming confident about asserting my needs, especially when they've changed. I can't recall if I set any resolutions last year. This year I'd say I have some goals, but I'm not entirely certain whether I ought to call them resolutions. Really, the main thing I resolve to do is to be more present, more awesome, more "me", more connected with others and the world around me. Goals for 2010: -run 4x week, at least 20 miles per week -climb and/or do other strength-training at least 2x week -continue to grow as a belly dancer, solo and with others -learn more about African dance, hooping, poi, and fire dancing -eat healthier (if such a thing is possible for me!) -challenge myself to try more new things, especially if they push me outside my comfort zone -continue to be involved with my various communities and peeps ...and, most importantly: MAKE SUBSTANTIAL PROGRESS ON MY DISSERTATION!!! I don't expect to finish the thing in 2010, but I need to at least write up a solid proposal, do most if not all of my research, come up with an outline, and write the first few chapters if not the first half of it. I would like to do so while not being entirely impoverished and/or stressed from working multiple jobs in order to stay afloat... I may need a lot of help from friends and family and community in this stage of my life. It galls me to have to ask for help since I view myself as such an independent person, but I've also been thinking lately about independence vs. interdependence, and I've been edging towards becoming more comfortable with relying upon people and being relied upon as part of a functioning, growing community. It's still a little scary and strange but I'm making progress. I suppose that goes along with one of my other goals, which is to be more compassionate. Compassion does not come easily to me. I wouldn't say I'm terribly callous... well, okay, sometimes I am... but I feel like I don't have the emotional resources to be a very caring person all the time, because I'm so driven to succeed in other areas of my life, so there's where all my energy goes. Which all comes down to balance, in the end. My life's always been a balancing act, and I suppose I'm getting better at it over time since I just keep piling more on. But this goes along with my worldview, since I believe that every experience is meaningful, we can learn from everything, and unless I choose otherwise, I become more "me" and more connected and wiser with every moment that passes. Why on earth have it any other way? |
knight3d
|
12:07a |
*sigh*
On the one hand, who leaves their friends at 11pm to go bone some douchebag they don't even like that much? On the other hand, I know I'd do the same thing. I think. At this point. |
| Wednesday, December 30th, 2009 |
kyburg
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10:56a |
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prosewitch
|
1:31a |
thoughts tumbling 'round
Saw Avatar today with my family; I enjoyed it as a work of storytelling, though I'm still sifting through my feelings about the whole "white man's guilt"/colonialism narrative. I've been continuing to enjoy food and family and friends and sun here in SoCal. Knitting and dancing and running and reading have been occupying my time; I've connected with people who've known me since I was a child, or in the womb, as well as people who I've just recently met and discovered awesome things commonly valued. I feel like I'm fermenting on some significant (for me, at any rate) thoughts, but for now, nothing's ready to come out, so I'll share an interesting piece on relationships that a friend recommended: high fidelity. Also been thinking about consent a lot; this is an interesting read on that topic. How do we live most fully, in the moment yet honoring our pasts and planning fruitfully for our futures? Something I'm still working on, but I'd love to to hear others' thoughts... |
prosewitch
|
1:14a |
because I'm curious... and really, what better reason is there?
Yanked verbatim from yuki_onna: Memeage going around. This one:
If you had me alone, locked up in your house, for twenty-four hours and I had to do whatever you wanted me to, what would you have me/you/us do?
All comments are permanently screened - this is our secret!
I actually find this kind of disturbing. The lack of consent, the closed space, the semi-threatening control and level of access as opposed to my ability to say no. Kind of nightmarish, really. I can only think of...exactly 13 people I would trust in this scenario enough to enter into it, excluding my partner. And no, I won't list them here. But you can ask in a screened comment.
Anyway, I shudder. So I change the wording.
If I came to visit you and you had my undivided time and attention for 24 hours, what would you like to do together? Be specific--you never know, it might be possible!
Comments screened unless you give me permission to unscreen it. (Keep in mind I can't respond to you without unscreening the comment, so permission is necessary to have a threaded conversation. Sigh, LJ. Fix this?)...I have to agree that the original wording is pretty creepy. I also only have a handful of people I'd really and truly trust with complete control over my well-being and status; I think that this is more because I'm a control freak than because I'm a pessimist about human nature (while I admit I have trust issues, they tend to be more specific to situations like, oh, say, relationships). So please, indulge my curiosity, and if you post this meme to your journal, I'll return the courtesy. |
| Tuesday, December 29th, 2009 |
kyburg
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3:36p |
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| Monday, December 28th, 2009 |
kyburg
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3:47p |
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kyburg
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1:52p |
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knight3d
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1:14p |
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| Sunday, December 27th, 2009 |
kyburg
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8:25a |
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| Saturday, December 26th, 2009 |
prosewitch
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12:42p |
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kyburg
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9:23a |
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prosewitch
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11:33a |
gifts & other incongruities
My mom, dad, sister, and I celebrated Christmas with my mom's side of the family, since most of my dad's side of the family is a) extended, b) scattered throughout the States and the world, c) actually kinda religious. Whereas my mom's side of the family is Jewish, so we just get together for Christmas as an excuse to see one another, eat tons of delicious food, and give each other nice gifts. So I spent yesterday at my grandparents' beach house, enjoying deli food and dim sum that I otherwise don't get to eat very frequently, and enjoying the company of my family members that I don't get to see very frequently. I took a long walk on the beach with my sister, compared knitting tips with one of my aunts, hit up my grandma for poi tips... oh! Yes, that's right, my grandma used to do Polynesian dance, performing with a troupe even, and she was able to tell me all kinds of neat things about the Maori poi traditions. She said if she found her old poi set she'd give them to me! In turn, I showed her some Youtube vids by Molly Wyldfyre, one of my favorite fire dancers and someone who's local to me in Indiana too. My grandma thought her dancing was very neat, though quite far from traditional/authentic. But it's what seems to speak to modern audiences these days--music, movements, and costumes they can relate to. It's parallel to what we of Different Drummer Belly Dancers do with Middle Eastern dance for modern audiences. I'm kinda itching to learn to dance with fire now... probably I'll just start practicing with the practice-poi I have in my apartment, and try to link up with some fire dancers in Indiana to start learning about fire safety, and from there move on to more stationary types of fire dancing (brushing up on my candle dancing, maybe investing in fingers or fans) before considering lighting up and spinning. I realized yesterday that our family is still very gift-giving-oriented, even for grown-ups. My parents got me a nice pair of winter boots, and my mom got me this flask. From aunts and grandparents I received many things, including some fabulous cookbooks: Larousse Gastronomique (THE food encyclopedia), Baking Illustrated, and Babycakes (recipes from a vegan, mostly-gluten free bakery), along with assorted other gifts to help me on my way with my pursuits. Yes, I realize that I am spoiled rotten. I think my family is very caring and likes to express this in concrete ways, hence all the gift-giving. So, Christmas was nice, in a completely secular, family-and-food-oriented kind of way. I also taught my sister how to knit and got to chat with Pan, who remains in the frozen winter wastes. I'm actually not minding the thought of returning to Indiana, because I love my peeps there and am looking forward to my research there. |
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